She is a little girl with nothing wrong.....is all alone......

I woke up quite early this morning, considering that Rob, Jay, Mark and I all stayed up pass 12 sitting in the living room, talking about nothing and comforted by each other's company. I was falling asleep in Rob's arms. I couldn't think or do much last night, but just wanted physical comfort of my love while I felt the wounds from the past and the beauty of now.

So, eight this morning, I was sitting in front of the computer, logging in my dreams. Sunlight streaked in from the big, big windows in Rob's room, and I felt slightly comforted. Thoughts drifted and my mind wandered aimlessly, frantically trying to make sense of this world in an intellectual manner, while my heart simply just sat there, void of human contact. My soul floated in and outside of my body, and the only way to stay centered was to listen to music and let the notes stroke my spirits while it wept tenderly and gently.

I started to work on Belle's resume and cover letter, and the exercise gounded me somewhat in the conventional world. It felt solid and grounding to perform certain tasks that my intellect can just get on an autopilot to complete.

Now, I am sitting here, enjoying the afternoon breeze and listening to Norah Jones, and she sings something like this:

"Spinning, laughing, dancing to
Her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone
Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
That comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone " ---------------("Seven Years" from Album Come Away With Me)

My right hand grabs tightly onto to my heart and my body starts to tremble lightly as tears pour out of my eye, streaking down my cheeks while I see what is in front of me in a blur. I don't really see anything, and this world is calm. This part of the world is calm and this part of the world is safe. I am just sad because I am loved. I am just angry that this love didn't come on time before, and I am scared that this love will be taken away from me.

Today as I stand beautiful and shining
My spirit looks back to the past and falls crippled to the ground,
Dying a death of grief and disbelief, of sorrow and regret,
of all that unfulfilled longing and of that unanswered cry for help
Whimpering tiny little sounds that contain tiny little drops of dark life

I look down in such horror and tries to gather the broken pieces of me from the floor
My hands shake and my hands tremble
I cannot do it right, mama, no matter what I do I cannot put the past back together like it's new
My elegant and beautiful self looks me in the eye and my mind goes blank
How is my little girl going to know how to come back home?

Today I stand tall and beautiful and shining, smiling ear to ear
My soul comes out of its hiding place, its elogated body swirls and crawls
Reach me, I say, reach far enough so that you can come back to me, come back home to me
I am just standing here, tall and beautiful and strong with you in between my legs
Feeling your pulse and sharing your wounds and looking through your eyes

Isn't it hard this journey home, isn't it hard my darling this journey to go down to go back home

And when I spin back into this reality, Norah Jones is still singing........

"The summer days are gone too soon
You shoot the moon
And miss completely
And now you're left to face the gloom
The empty room that once smelled sweetly
Of all the flowers you plucked if only
You knew the reason
Why you had to each be lonely
Was it just the season?
Now the fall is here again
You can't begin to give in
It's all over
When the snows come rolling through
You're rolling too with some new lover
Will you think of times you've told me
That you knew the reason
Why we had to each be lonely
It was just the season...............
..................................
Why we had to each be lonely.....it was just the season."
("Shoot the Moon" from the same album)

I see the image of this tiny little baby, burned all over and bursting into a huge and clear, moving cry when that sweet water finally came to soothe. I see the image of me taking up a huge log and breaking it in half to gather a fire. I see then image of those people that I love, and my raising up a hand to say, stop, stop right here.

To merge with another soul brings such bliss and such pain.

Love clears my head, cleans out my soul, sobers up my heart, this time around.

And I love so very deeply with only a vague knowing that runs through my core.

Something I cannot say in words.

"Leonard," says Virginia, "You cannot find peace, by avoiding life."

"Always the years between,"

"Always, the love,"

"Always, the hours."

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life," her voice keeps echoing and whispering in my ear.

My passionfruit ice tea is ready now, and it's almost mid-afternoon.

This part of the world is calm, and it is safe.

-----------------a couple of hours later----------

Talked on the phone with Geeta for a long time. Feels great about the closer connection. It feels good. Geeta is such a gifted young woman with such amazing talents and qualities. I enjoy her quite a bit. I can see her holding spaces very well for people while she herself doesn't always necessarily get that much support.

Back to listening to Norah Jones and drinking tons and tons of ice tea.