And I know the terminology.......

It's very late at night and I am tired, so I think I will go to bed soon.

I notice a couple years back that, late at night, this feeling will creep up like a thief, furtive, but it is there.

Have you ever felt like this? Anxious, worried, stressed out, but you don't know how to make it go away, and worst yet, deep down a part of you doesn't believe that it will go away. The first part of the description fits the common part of modern life; it's the feeling that we all have to deal with living as present day human beings. The second part of this description, however, is what makes up what they call Hopelessness. It happens when you don't feel like you will ever get better. I hate this feeling.

My coping mechanism has evolved though. I don't argue with this feeling but just try to let it be there, and I remind myself that I have felt like this before, and I know for a fact that I have felt hopeful again after these bouts of attacks. I am a very experienced warrior with this thing they call Depression.

What are the signs again? Hopelessness, powerlessness, constant crying, change of eating habits, change in sleeping patterns, socially withdrawn, no longer able to enjoy the activities one used to enjoy.....I know how to go down the list and rate myself. Assessment skills work both ways: on clients and on myself. I really have evolved dealing with this disease. I am at a much better place than, lets say, five years ago. I have not been truly suicidal for that long now. (Suicidality: imminent desire and concrete planning, I know how to assess that, too.)

I still don't like the feeling. I can tell you that much. Feeling trapped in anxiety is not fun. Not fun at all.

But, it's all about tolerance, isn't it? I know that, after tonight, most likely I will feel hopeful again. Perhaps not a lot, but it will be enough for me to go on and create change. That much I know is true.

True experiencial learning, wouldn't you say?

Okay, I am going to try to go to bed now. Rob is sleeping sound. I love him very deeply. Oh, and I got my grades back tonight for my online Intro to Counseling class, 503 out of 500 points. (The extra three from extra credit on the exam.) Not bad, then again, this was an online class with a community college. Lets see how I fare in grad school. Returned an email to Cris, too, great young spirit.

Good night, my sweetest. Dream peacefully, or don't dream at all. (I am tired from having chaotic dreams, too.)