My Beloved.....and I passed out!

10 AM
Yesterday was Rob's birthday, so I cleaned his room for him and took him out to dinner. I also wrote him a "27 reasons why I love you" since he was turning 27.....he seemed happy! Right after dinner, I passed out immediately though, and slept until 9 this morning. Ai-ya-ya, no matter, my baby seemed happy. I have been so exhausted! My moon brings such fatigue.

I have been feeling a bit uneasy and I don't know why........I am going to see when student loan is going to come in. It's a bit scary to know that I have no income. I planned on breaking a bit longer, but right now the anxiety is building. Somehow I don't believe that student loan is going to come through successfully although there really is no reason for it not to. Paranoid. I sent out request for transcript to Barstow today, too, and everything should be in order. I am just feeling paranoid. Gotta make more money.......somehow I feel guilty breaking for longer than two weeks. Well, mostly because I do enjoy working, too.

School starts on August 25th, yeah! I really want to start on something now. What is today, the 12th?

------------------quite a few hours later-----------------------
Almost 2 pm

Well, I didn't accomplish much in a few hours' time. Forwarded some stuff to the grad school advisor to keep him updated; wrote emails to friends; read a couple of books online; made ice tea and drank some; updated my to-do-list and calendar; smoked cigarettes and thought about why I was feeling anxious; left a few messages for folks that I miss. Hmm. Oh, and I surfed online for jobs......want to find something part-time that feels right. Saw a few ads for nonprofit jobs, and immediately my brain started going....oh...that can be fun....oh....maybe not. I want to focus on school and work at a job that doesn't require much brain power. I think I am just itching to be challenged, but that will happen hopefully when I start school. Better not double challenge myself, either.

I wonder why I feel anxious......guilt, mixed with worry about income (or the lack of it at the moment to be exact.) But really, there are so many jobs out there. (Surfing online for work made me feel confident, for some reason, knowing that I can go out there and get a job any time I want to sustain myself feels good.) Somehow it doesn't feel right to break for longer that I have. Honestly, I don't feel that drastically refreshed from the past two weeks, either. It felt more like, just, hitting the breaks and feeling disoriented more. I sunk into a hole and stayed there, and just recently started to come out. Working at the shelter has been traumatic, and hearing about how my coworkers who are still struggling at the place just breaks my heart again......those evil people! Evil management! Tearing my peeps' spirits apart! (During stress I resort back to black and white thinking.) What have I learned at the shelter really? That's still something I don't want to touch. I somehow want to erase the last 13 months and pretend that I never worked for this agency. Yikes. I only want to keep the memories with clients and with my team. That's it. No more. Don't want to remember how terrible it was to work with the higher-ups within and other government agencies outside. It takes a saint really, to deal with red tape consistently and powerfully. I am much less than a saint, and I become critical of myself. Never, never a social worker again. Lets see how I fare as a therapist.

Okay, gotta get ready to go out and see the world now. (Well, just Dan and then Patricia, really, thank God.)

Rob's room is so clean, hee hee.