Healing/and some other daily notes

What is healing? The question lingers in my head. I hear a lot of talk of how important it is to be a "good" therapist in supervision and at school; trouble is, no one seems to be able to give "good therapist" a clear definition.

And of course, the real question is if I am a good therapist. Some say that it takes ten years to have an idea. I don't know why it's important for me to keep asking this question. I only get more frustrated.

Maybe the bottom line is that I just don't feel so hot about being a therapist these days.

I don't like to always just sit with clients and feel like I have been of no help. How do I know if I have been of help? In previous supervsion, it was told to me that just the sheer act of sitting with clients is therapeutic enough. However, going to school and being in the current supervision I am not getting that message, yet I am not sure what is asked of me. I had so much more fun when I was just a paraprofessional counselor.

Most of the time I don't know what I am doing, and quite frankly, I don't like to guess what's going to happen next, either. Somehow I feel like I need to and protect and guide the clients.

It's like asking for the impossible.

J said that I have an enormous talent of creating and making relationships with people; that my warmth is a natural talent. JA said that she was really impressed with my empathy, that I am capable of showing empathy for people who are drastically different from me is a demonstration of clinical skills, that I was sharp, on target, and almost one with the client. Others say that they see me doing really good work.

Somehow I have a hard time taking this in.

I don't know. I am not feeling so great these days. It was suggested to me to go back to therapy in supervision.

What is healing?

I feel overwhelmed and burdened, and I feel resentful that I feel misunderstood in supervision.

Is love enough? What is love?

I can seriously hurt my brain with these questions, so I am going to hit the breaks and just enjoy my day off today.
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Had dinner with the Stephen, Ivy and Christiana last night. It was so lovely to see these old friends. Everyone is doing good. So happy to hear that. Ivy and I stayed after S and C left to talk some more, and before you knew it it was midnight. I love that woman so much; she is amazing. I sang happy birthday to her and I felt really happy to see her smile.

Rob went to a meeting about two hours ago; he said that he was going to go to the bookstore afterwards. I am just sitting at home, doing nothing, drinking my Yerba Mate and reading books online. Mark is watching TV in the living room since he called in sick. Nicee called and we talked briefly about going to see L on Sunday since it's her birthday. Tomorrow I am meeting up with JO since she is moving to NY in the beginning of Dec.

I feel so lonely. I don't know why.

I want to know why I am here. With all of my strength and calmness, I really want to ask the divine: why am I here? What am I sent here for?