Heaven bent to take my hand

And lead me through the fire. Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful flight.

Did I mention in previous entries that I am going to see Sarah in concert in July? Majorly anticipating this event. As you know, I have listened to this woman singing all these years as I wrote on the computer.

Anyways.

Feels like I haven't blogged for the longest time. Hence, despite the numerous things on my task list, I shall devote the next half an hour or so to tend to my own inner world.

Have you ever heard that song? Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day. I have got a wonderful feeling, and everything is going my way. For me, I changed the lyrics somewhat the past few days/weeks: oh what a terrible morning, oh what a horrible day. I have got a terrible feeling, and nothing is going my way.

This is my sick and twisted sense of humor. I sing it to myself and I start cracking up. I actually think it's hilarious in a very hysterical manner.

(What is a good life?)

The apartment situation has finally resolved, and I am still staying at Rob's a lot. Looks like we won't be moving in together any time soon. Rob is not ready for such a move, and frankly, I don't know if I am, either. I tend to think so because lately I have been craving a sense of belonging so desperately. Yet, I doubt if changing of external setup is really the answer to my feeling lost. It may be, and I want it to be, and in the past, when I willed to change the environment so that I could feel better, it usually led to disasters. (Some might argue that, depending on what I just wrote, that my locus of control is entirely internally focused. They would be right.)

(What am I saying?)

Last week, my therapist forgot me---forgot our appointment. That just added fuel to the fire of my fury that was already burning. Termination nears. School is ending as well. Mountains of paperwork to do.

(Really, what is going on?)

I don't like myself very much these days.

I don't like my life, either.

My body is having all sorts of problems, and I am always tired.

What is the point? What is the point of pushing so hard? It seems that everything falls apart anyways.

(This is just your negative voice.)
(Really, you don't say?)

Can any of us really put life on hold?

(Time just walked by.)

This is random entry, May 11th, 2004.