Is it too early to start hating my job?
Okay, I don't hate it. I feel annoyed by my team leader, (by the way, she was the one who hired me on the spot.) She reminds me of my mom a little bit in regards to sending inconsistent messages: one minute I feel like she likes me, and the minute she doesn't. Good lord. I feel annoyed and pressured when dealing with her sometimes. I suppose I displace quite a bit of hatred and resentment when I feel like I am being treated inconsistently.
For example, something happened this afternoon at the school when I was doing the classroom observation. The class that I was observing was supposed to go to another teacher for the afternoon part of the schedule. I was confused as to if I should follow them, since all the teachers had to be pre-interviewed before the observations. I called my team leader, and then checked in with her in person since I found out she was actually at the school site. She said to go ahead and go. I stopped by the other teacher's (lets call her B) classroom and informed her that I would be observing during that period since I was supposed to follow the class around for the day. She seemed surprised. I returned to the original classroom to observe how the kids were packing up to go to teacher B. At that time, teacher B came to the classroom to ask to speak with teacher A, and they went outside for a little while. Teacher A (whom I have been observing in the morning) came back in and the class was ready to go. I went with them and settled in at teacher B's classroom, ready to take notes.
A few minutes into the class, someone from the principle's office came to get me to speak with the principle. She asked me why I was in teacher B's class since she didn't know that that teacher was to be observed. I informed her that my team leader had instructed me to follow the class around, and that it had been arranged that way. We had to go get our team leader, and my team leader was just tense after they spoke. She asked me to tell her three times of what happened and then she had to go. I just left to go to school.
I came home, and there was an email waiting for me at home. My team leader had emailed me to say that she talked to all parties involved and she was getting inconsistent information, and wanted me to meet with her early at the school tomorrow to tell her "exactly what happened." Lord, I felt so pressured at the time when I read the email: didn't I already tell you what happened? Why are you asking me to repeat it over and over again? Plus, she keeps saying things like, " you didn't do anything wrong." I didn't think so, but now I am wondering if I did. I am very guilt-prone anyways. Of course I am sitting here, feeling afraid that she is going to punish me for doing something wrong. Wonderful gift from mom all those years ago--I was always punished inconsistently and out of proportion that to this day I automatically assume that everything is my fault. My team leader is actually just a very sensitive woman who gets anxious when feeling pressured, and she got a bit of crap from the principle, so of course she is trying to defend against it by tracking down exactly what happened as a way to see if SHE did anything wrong. There is a reason why I hate working with people. I get triggered, and I want to blame someone else since I was always blamed when I was a kid. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Honestly, this is so strange. What could possibly happen? I am worried that my team leader won't like me or trust me if I screw up just an inch. I am worried that maybe I shouldn't have talked to teacher B about being observed at all, and I am worried that.....I don't even know what I am worried about. I just get tense when the authority figure in any situation gets mad. I am afraid that I will be the scapegoat. Man, I hope this doesn't turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy: I anticipate being blamed so I become guilty and defensive, and I can't communiate with other well. Others feel confused, and I see that as a sign of me failing and therefore I see any signs of their emotional frustration as punishment against me and therefore strengthen the problematic belief of always being blamed. Oh lord. I can feel my heart beating.
Really, when I was little, mom always punished me in a very confusing manner. I was never sure of what I was doing right or doing wrong. She would get mad in a second and the next she loved me to death. At the end, I was just very frightened in general. I was never sure what was going to happen, and after a while it didn't matter who was right or who was wrong; conflict meant me getting in trouble and then shamed. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
What the hell? If anything, the team leader made the wrong decision of telling me to follow the class when teacher B hasn't been observed. I checked in with her and she said so, even though my intuition told me otherwise. I didn't think anyone would want to be observed without being informed with ample notice. I wouldn't let someone observe my work unless they told me so earlier and I agreed. So why am I the one feeling like I did something wrong?
I always feel like I did something wrong. It's a horrible disease called child abuse. Damn it.
So, hopefully, by tomorrow, I will just trust that I will not be blamed, and that if I were, I could just tell the team leader that I honestly thought I was doing the best I could, and that what happened was unfortunate but not my fault. The communication wasn't clear, and we were all just feeling the reverberations of the school office politics and teacher anxiety. So unfortunate that my team leader had to be talked down to by the principle.
Anyhow. That's it for today. And oh, by the way, I did really well in school tonight when we did the fish bowl. If I remember my professor's words correctly, it was a "wonderful" session that I led. Heh heh heh.
Peace out.
For example, something happened this afternoon at the school when I was doing the classroom observation. The class that I was observing was supposed to go to another teacher for the afternoon part of the schedule. I was confused as to if I should follow them, since all the teachers had to be pre-interviewed before the observations. I called my team leader, and then checked in with her in person since I found out she was actually at the school site. She said to go ahead and go. I stopped by the other teacher's (lets call her B) classroom and informed her that I would be observing during that period since I was supposed to follow the class around for the day. She seemed surprised. I returned to the original classroom to observe how the kids were packing up to go to teacher B. At that time, teacher B came to the classroom to ask to speak with teacher A, and they went outside for a little while. Teacher A (whom I have been observing in the morning) came back in and the class was ready to go. I went with them and settled in at teacher B's classroom, ready to take notes.
A few minutes into the class, someone from the principle's office came to get me to speak with the principle. She asked me why I was in teacher B's class since she didn't know that that teacher was to be observed. I informed her that my team leader had instructed me to follow the class around, and that it had been arranged that way. We had to go get our team leader, and my team leader was just tense after they spoke. She asked me to tell her three times of what happened and then she had to go. I just left to go to school.
I came home, and there was an email waiting for me at home. My team leader had emailed me to say that she talked to all parties involved and she was getting inconsistent information, and wanted me to meet with her early at the school tomorrow to tell her "exactly what happened." Lord, I felt so pressured at the time when I read the email: didn't I already tell you what happened? Why are you asking me to repeat it over and over again? Plus, she keeps saying things like, " you didn't do anything wrong." I didn't think so, but now I am wondering if I did. I am very guilt-prone anyways. Of course I am sitting here, feeling afraid that she is going to punish me for doing something wrong. Wonderful gift from mom all those years ago--I was always punished inconsistently and out of proportion that to this day I automatically assume that everything is my fault. My team leader is actually just a very sensitive woman who gets anxious when feeling pressured, and she got a bit of crap from the principle, so of course she is trying to defend against it by tracking down exactly what happened as a way to see if SHE did anything wrong. There is a reason why I hate working with people. I get triggered, and I want to blame someone else since I was always blamed when I was a kid. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Honestly, this is so strange. What could possibly happen? I am worried that my team leader won't like me or trust me if I screw up just an inch. I am worried that maybe I shouldn't have talked to teacher B about being observed at all, and I am worried that.....I don't even know what I am worried about. I just get tense when the authority figure in any situation gets mad. I am afraid that I will be the scapegoat. Man, I hope this doesn't turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy: I anticipate being blamed so I become guilty and defensive, and I can't communiate with other well. Others feel confused, and I see that as a sign of me failing and therefore I see any signs of their emotional frustration as punishment against me and therefore strengthen the problematic belief of always being blamed. Oh lord. I can feel my heart beating.
Really, when I was little, mom always punished me in a very confusing manner. I was never sure of what I was doing right or doing wrong. She would get mad in a second and the next she loved me to death. At the end, I was just very frightened in general. I was never sure what was going to happen, and after a while it didn't matter who was right or who was wrong; conflict meant me getting in trouble and then shamed. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
What the hell? If anything, the team leader made the wrong decision of telling me to follow the class when teacher B hasn't been observed. I checked in with her and she said so, even though my intuition told me otherwise. I didn't think anyone would want to be observed without being informed with ample notice. I wouldn't let someone observe my work unless they told me so earlier and I agreed. So why am I the one feeling like I did something wrong?
I always feel like I did something wrong. It's a horrible disease called child abuse. Damn it.
So, hopefully, by tomorrow, I will just trust that I will not be blamed, and that if I were, I could just tell the team leader that I honestly thought I was doing the best I could, and that what happened was unfortunate but not my fault. The communication wasn't clear, and we were all just feeling the reverberations of the school office politics and teacher anxiety. So unfortunate that my team leader had to be talked down to by the principle.
Anyhow. That's it for today. And oh, by the way, I did really well in school tonight when we did the fish bowl. If I remember my professor's words correctly, it was a "wonderful" session that I led. Heh heh heh.
Peace out.
posted by Julia C. at
Monday, March 29, 2004
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