接受

彷彿上一分鐘 你還陪在我左右 還以為我們會 開花結果
我還記得玫瑰色天空 卻模糊了我們的臉孔 哼過的歌到底是什麼內容
彷彿已經自由 下一刻我變成風 吹過你的領空 差點失控 回憶在夜裡鬧得很兇
我想我可以明白你所有的痛 想讓你知道我懂 卻擔心言不由衷
我們都接受 一定是彼此不夠成熟 在愛情裡分不了輕重
誠實得過了頭 不能退後也無法向前走
愛是一個自私的念頭 把寂寞消除的理由
剩下的那些感動 能記得多久

For some reason, I am particularly emotional these days, for the lack of a better word. Not in the ways that I am outwardly emoting all over the place 24/7, but it's like that I am ever so sensitive to the slightest human touch that contains even just one iota of any sorts of feelings.

I feel it. I feel it all.

It's like a one single tiny rain drop that creates everlasting ripples. I feel the warmth spreading inside my heart. On different days, at differently moments, time collapes and all of a sudden my third eye opens and something lets me see. I can see, touch feel the different memories; I can feel the passing this very second. I feel then, and I feel now. I feel the intensity of wondering what happened, smiling at what happened with tears in my eyes, wanting and ready to scream from feeling such vastness inside my heart and outside of my being.

I am connected. So connected. To me.

Finally.

I can't say that I am unhappy at these moments. It's so much more; I guess there truly comes a time that all feelings are all mixed in, and I am just feeling all the different pieces. A part of me perhaps cries at the incredibly layered depth of it all, this life, yet, the tears release the energies once held in.

And that feels good. This feels alive. I feel truly alive.

Oh God I am alive.

This morning, I was washing dishes and listening to this song, and all of a sudden tears started to well up in my eyes.

They never fully made it out of my eyes. I kept my breathing steady, in, out, in by four, out by four. The tears, they never quite dried up, and they never quite fell. I was wading in and out, feeling it all. Inhale, exhale. I count to four. Air in, my heart aches. Breathing out, I drop straight into my heart and my soul settles a little bit more into place.

Finally.

I am still me.

So much has happened, and it's as if nothing did, too. Such life and death in one person's world, only adding to the grace and beauty that already exists in this world.

This world that we live in.

Only to add to it all. (As if the world nods, with such a nurturing and knowing smile, "we have been waiting for you.")

Yes, I see now. Through the membrane of tears, I was able to see. ("So you have been waiting for me to lift my head to look at you.")

("All this time.") How comforting.

Thank you.

In the morning sunlight, I kept washing dishes with a lot of ease, a lot of contentment, a deadly sense of grief, the unbearable tenderness of love, the piercing awareness of it filling up inside my heart with the pulsating air.

Through every little bit of my cells. I smile, you really mean business, don't you?

A little bit more in, and then let go.

It had nothing to do with that kind of love, and everything to do with living day by day and this kind of love.

We are born to lose. Ray Charles sang so. Murakami wrote about his song in Dance, Dance, Dance. My teenage days of endless reading that lasted through nights into days, I used to only imagine what it must have had felt like to love with such abandon. To think about it, I wasn't unhappy then, either.

We are born to lose.

It used to make me cry. It used to make me wail so. Even then, I wasn't unhappy, either, even though I thought I was dying.

Even then, it wasn't like I was unhappy, either, right?

Thank you for forgiving me, me.

And this morning, I just kept washing dishes. The hot water ran and my fingers were turning lightly pink. The temperature felt like such liquid velvet that fell straight off of my skin.

I could still feel the low heat. It was like liquid crystal. I washed dishes, this plate that we used last night, the cup that I didn't pick up from tea.

Another day passed; another day passes.

We are born to lose, day by day, aren't we?

Even then, this love is still exquisite, isn't it? Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it the most beauitful thing in the world? Only if I were mad now? So what if I had gone too much into it all now? I see you, and I see me.

The tears never quite made it out of my eyes. They just opened up my heart.

I wish I had the most beautiful voice in the world, then I could sing a song for you now.

Even then, it's not like we are unhappy now, right?

And this time, don't we laugh just kids now.

繞著山路　走得累了
去留片刻　要如何取捨
去年撿的　美麗貝殼
心不透徹　不會懂多難得

以為　只要簡單地生活
就能平息了脈博　卻忘了在逃什麼

我的愛　明明還在　轉身了才明白
該把幸福　找回來　
而不是各自緬懷
我會在 沿海地帶　等著潮汐更改　送你回來
你走路姿態　微笑的神態
潛意識曾錯過的真愛

莫非這是上天善意的安排
好讓心更堅定　彼此更接近　真愛

我的愛　明明還在　轉身了才明白
該把幸福　找回來　而不是各自緬懷
我會在 沿海地帶　等著潮汐更改　學著忍耐
不再怕傷害　不再怕期待
潛意識那才是我真愛