Truly how deep the wounding goes

I am getting a glimpse of that. Time has come for me to work out my conflict with authority figures.

And I am seeing and experencing how deep the wounding goes. My supervisors reflected back, so piercingly accurate, how paralyzed a part of me remains after all these years, long after the trauma had taken place. I did not want to see that part of myself. Rage. I feel deep rage, panic, fear and numbness. I find myself unable to move, frozen, because how could I possibly move any direction when there is the fear that any movement could intensify the feelings I have now?

Physician, heal thyself.

In a way, I am grateful that they reflected so brutally what I did not want to see. Not everything they said was accurate, but there was enough that was dead on for me to chew down my pride and admit to myself some things I did not think or know.

I am paralyzed in certain ways when it comes to dealing with threatening authority figures, and love seeps in to prune away these wounded spots, to heal old wounds.

She was right; it was really hard for me to believe that they cared about me; it was really hard to trust that care. So much had been done in the past in the name of being good for me, being good to me. Rage. I feel absolute rage. How dare you say that stripping me of my dignity was for my own good? Yet, I realize that I am not saying those words to my supervisors. I am saying those things to figures from the past; the part of me that says those things are the parts of me that are still unwilling to admit that at one point I had lost my dignity, that one point I was so terrified that I just closed myself up, refused to move one inch now matter how battered I was. The part of me that refused everything, at the end, including kindness and caring.

The part of me that refuses to be willing to be kind or forgiving, to those that I perceived to be having more power than I did. And, those parts of myself remained devastated, powerless, waiting for recue, only there was no room for anything to come.

I had closed those parts of myself already.

Fight. Fight. Fight. Random rights. And when manipulation or force did not work, flight.

I am truly terrified. I feel truly lost.

And I know, a part of me does know, being lost can be an absolutely wonderful thing. Without being lost, we will never be found. Without destruction or death, there will be no rebirth.

If we are the instruments, then the path of becoming a full-fledge healer requires absolute trial and pruning.

Physician, heal thyself.

As I allow myself to heal, tears come. Sadness, grief, loneliness, depression, and softening of the heart.

Spirits, as I sit naked on love's floor, crying all of my tears, please guide me. Please guide me to deeper connection with love, unconditional love.

For all parts of me, and those I deemed unforgivable.

I have been hurt. So hurt. I had been hurt.

Help me heal.