Terrified

I feel truly lost these days. Lost, scared, terrified. I feel like I lost the connection to myself, and I am afraid to reconnect again, and I don't know why.

Should I focus on finding a job first and then think about returning to the center to start seeing clients? Or should I return anyways and not wait until September and trust that I will find a job to support myself? Should I wait until I absolutely have to see clients? Or should I start seeing clients? Should I find a job first? Will I find a job? What if I don't? What if everything falls apart and I am truly lost with no chance of redemption? What does that even mean? Why am I thinking like this?

You see how this is a downward spiral.....less and less rationality. The only thing that is left is fear.

I feel very fearful. It's in my gut. I am afraid. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of the different parts of myself. I am afraid of living. Living and failing.

Anxiety occupies. Mind overwhelmed. Spirit trapped and lost.

Man, it's been a tough few days. Self-blame. Anticipation of muddy future failures.

What should I do? How should I be? This is painful. I know pain, yet each time it hurts me anew.

What does my gut say? I can't hear it.

Quiet down. Quiet down, me.

I am no longer sure what the most important thing is. I can't seem to think.

Just scared.