What an Intense Few Days

Okay, so I feel really slammed by life here. Dead exhausted. Drained. Time to regroup and finish the rest of the tasks tomorrow and Sunday.

So this is what happened: yesterday's supervision was really, really, really intense. One of my supervisors really whipped it out on one of the counselors for something that fell though the crack. I am still not sure how to organize it for myself yet about that particular situation and my perception of my supervisor. It gets a little sticky also because my supervisor is also a friend's friend, so we circulate in the same social circle and I see different sides of her and makes organizing boundaries in my head a little challenging.

Too much psychobabble? Anyhow, it was just shocking to see someone that I respect and look up to being so nasty; that's bottom line. While I agree with her message (since I am a hard-ass about client service and keeping in within standard of care, too), I am terribly disappointed with her approach. The way she approached correcting my fellow counselor was shaming, power-tripping and disrespectful. That's my perception of her outburst yesterday: my supervisor was well within good reason to correct my fellow counselor, and it would have had been much more powerful if her delivery of that message were more respectful rather than assuming an all-powerful, you-can't-get-past-me attitude. (She flat out said: I am not interested in how you feel. I don't care if you feel uncomfortable during the process.) Man, it gets very challenging for me when someone that I am in a relationship with tells me that she doesn't care about how I feel. I am angry when I hear statements like that from someone that I care about and look up to.

Anyhow, more to be revealed. I hope we get to process this next week.....maybe. I am a little afraid to process feelings in this supervision group. There doesn't appear to be a lot of room for feelings. I have heard my supervisors said on many occasions that feelings only go so far and it's action that counts. While that message in and of itself is correct in the sense that change doesn't occur without taking actions, it is also reductionistic, not taking into account the humanness/feelings that come up while we go through the process of change. To me feelings and actions are equally important elements of creating change. I advocate for the belief that we don't have to be forced to choose between one or another. I also believe that lasting change occurs when a person feels heard, seen, empowered, and certainly there are many ways to achieve this. I just wish there were more room for a variety of beliefs to exist in this group rather than feeling the pressure of only one is right.

Vent. Vent. Vent. I need to vent. I feel so resentful of seeing an authority figure practicing "tough love." How arbitrary and individualistic, putting those under your care in an infantile position to dance to your tune. (Okay, am I getting judgemental here?) I am outraged. This reminds me of how my father treats me: what I tell you is right and do what I say and don't question, otherwise I am going to punish you by beating you up emotionally.

Ah, awful aftertaste.

Anyhow, after I got home from supervision, got a call from a friend. Shocking news: one of my friend's family member had committed suicide. Shit. I went over to my friend's place immediately and stayed the night and dropped them off in the airport this morning. Came home and slept a few hours. Went back to the center to see clients and came home now.

I am exhausted. Exhausted.

I have a 12 page paper due next Monday that I haven't even started yet. I am feeling anxious about that. I also have work from the school district to do. (I can't believe that they included my analysis in the final report. Insane.) So, in short, I am feeling a little crazy right now.

I am going to brainstorm which self-care strategy I want to take now. This is the first step: writing about it and letting it out.

I am pissed. I am pissed. I am pissed. I feel angry about the fact that my supervisor doesn't believe in the power of compassion and love and subcribed to being tough and authoritative. I am angry that I wasn't heard when I tried to intervene. I am angry that I am being placed in a situation where the norm established by those in power is: "you have to learn to take it and do what I say." I am angry at myself for doubting my own power of creating change when my heart felt the need to step in and stand the ground for what I believe in: that change is possible without using emotional force to power-trip someone.

I am pissed, and I am sad. Sad, sad, sad.

Gotta take good care of myself tonight.