Boy Don't I Feel Like A Fool

Sometimes I just feel like a fool.

Really, wondering if I said something stupid, sounded stupid, yikes, yikes, yikes, what a bad feeling.

And today I felt like that in the group. I am not very good at articulating myself before I feel safe, and it always takes forever before I feel safe. I hate it.

Truth is, I don't feel like I like this supervision. I like A a lot, but I am not sure about J. Her first remarks about this client....I just felt put off. I am not sure if I want to learn under her. I am quite judgmental these days.

And what does it mean to be a good therapist? I have no magic cures. I have no words of wisdom that can dispell pain instantly. I have nothing to say to the clients that they don't know already. This is frustrating business.

Yeah, yeah, I know. A big part of what we do is planting seeds, reflecting what we are hearing, holding the space to allow the clients to process, yada yada yada.

Somehow I just don't feel very fulfilled with that. Clients come for a reason. It just takes time, but who likes to be in chronic pain?

Perhaps I am just so disappointed with my recent therapy that I start to feel like therapy is just bullshit. You talk talk talk talk talk, and this other person doesn't do shit. What's the point?

Oh lord, do I really want to be a therapist? Am I ever going to find a group that I feel safe in?

I did find groups that I felt safe in. Twice, and that's two out of four, not a bad hitting rate.

I just feel so annoyed. Why is there so much pain everywhere? Why do I feel so much pain? I don't want to have to deal with anyone. Enough is enough. Shut up you whinies.

Well, I highly suspect that whinie is me.