Emotional Truths
ON BEING ?GAME-PLAYER?:
Immediate Reactions:
I feel angry to be trapped into situations where I want to reveal more of myself yet couldn?t feel safe enough to do so. I feel desperate and oppressed. I feel terrified and outraged about the potential of being ostracized or labeled. I feel a strong need to challenge and hide at the same time. I feel judgmental towards those who hold opposite opinions or demonstrate emotional vulnerabilities while I am feeling threatened. I feel like attacking just to preserve my sense of wholeness and integrity. I feel like there is only room for one reality, and, if so, it?d better be mine. I feel terrified when everyone else seems to feel differently than I do; I am scared that my reality is not just as valid as theirs, especially when they don?t seem to hear or understand my feelings or points of view.
Ponderings and Tracing-backs:
I wonder how I could start to re-learn how to relate to others in groups and to believe that I could hold my own in a loving way, believing that the highest good for both the group and me can be fulfilled at the same time, that there could be room for both. Because in the past, there was seldom room for both, it was mostly always me feeling defeated, shamed, scapegoated, diminished, sacrificed, silenced, oppressed, wounded, hurt or shunned by the group. I held the belief that there would always be a dichotomy between me and a group, and the belief that I would be ostracized or left out if I were to allow my true self to emerge. In holding these beliefs, it became incredibly easy for me to lock myself into power struggles and confrontations just to fight for the space for my emotional self to survive, let alone flourish. Resentment would grow, and I would cast judgment onto those whom I deemed judging me, and at the same time judging myself for being the shamed, lost and wounded child. Part of my existential reality was always limited to the context of fighting for the underdog that which was me against the unreasonable, unpredictable, all mighty and powerful, rigid figures that would never listen. I would constantly feel exhausted, depleted, drained, stressed and fearful. In the midst of this incredible pain, I would start to self-doubt and lose my power and faith in the fragrant, omnipresent and deep love that I know is inside of and all around me.
Remembrances, Integration, and Deepening of faith:
I remember being in the supervision group at the center, where silence was allowed, differences in opinions tolerated, conflicts acknowledged and worked through, emotions contained and honored and I felt intact and cared for. I remember being in the Goddess group where going in deep was felt collectively, uniqueness of individuals appreciated, joy and pain experienced simultaneously, the divine and spiritual received and brought into consciousness, the goddesses in us blossomed and nurtured. I know and experience the power and sacredness of groups, and I am now being presented to experiment for myself what I can create for myself and others since I have been so blessed to have experienced both extraordinary pain and phenomenal love in this life. I was a part of both those groups, and contributed to the energy generated.
Lifelong Quest, Mission, and Calling:
What is my game in life? Do I allow myself to play? Mission statement: ?With the conscious use of my power, energy, and soul, I am committed to creating and upholding space for the growth of truth, love and change.? I am seeking to forgive, heal, expand, grow, live, love and be loved, and I am seeking with both individuals and groups.
And, with myself.
Immediate Reactions:
I feel angry to be trapped into situations where I want to reveal more of myself yet couldn?t feel safe enough to do so. I feel desperate and oppressed. I feel terrified and outraged about the potential of being ostracized or labeled. I feel a strong need to challenge and hide at the same time. I feel judgmental towards those who hold opposite opinions or demonstrate emotional vulnerabilities while I am feeling threatened. I feel like attacking just to preserve my sense of wholeness and integrity. I feel like there is only room for one reality, and, if so, it?d better be mine. I feel terrified when everyone else seems to feel differently than I do; I am scared that my reality is not just as valid as theirs, especially when they don?t seem to hear or understand my feelings or points of view.
Ponderings and Tracing-backs:
I wonder how I could start to re-learn how to relate to others in groups and to believe that I could hold my own in a loving way, believing that the highest good for both the group and me can be fulfilled at the same time, that there could be room for both. Because in the past, there was seldom room for both, it was mostly always me feeling defeated, shamed, scapegoated, diminished, sacrificed, silenced, oppressed, wounded, hurt or shunned by the group. I held the belief that there would always be a dichotomy between me and a group, and the belief that I would be ostracized or left out if I were to allow my true self to emerge. In holding these beliefs, it became incredibly easy for me to lock myself into power struggles and confrontations just to fight for the space for my emotional self to survive, let alone flourish. Resentment would grow, and I would cast judgment onto those whom I deemed judging me, and at the same time judging myself for being the shamed, lost and wounded child. Part of my existential reality was always limited to the context of fighting for the underdog that which was me against the unreasonable, unpredictable, all mighty and powerful, rigid figures that would never listen. I would constantly feel exhausted, depleted, drained, stressed and fearful. In the midst of this incredible pain, I would start to self-doubt and lose my power and faith in the fragrant, omnipresent and deep love that I know is inside of and all around me.
Remembrances, Integration, and Deepening of faith:
I remember being in the supervision group at the center, where silence was allowed, differences in opinions tolerated, conflicts acknowledged and worked through, emotions contained and honored and I felt intact and cared for. I remember being in the Goddess group where going in deep was felt collectively, uniqueness of individuals appreciated, joy and pain experienced simultaneously, the divine and spiritual received and brought into consciousness, the goddesses in us blossomed and nurtured. I know and experience the power and sacredness of groups, and I am now being presented to experiment for myself what I can create for myself and others since I have been so blessed to have experienced both extraordinary pain and phenomenal love in this life. I was a part of both those groups, and contributed to the energy generated.
Lifelong Quest, Mission, and Calling:
What is my game in life? Do I allow myself to play? Mission statement: ?With the conscious use of my power, energy, and soul, I am committed to creating and upholding space for the growth of truth, love and change.? I am seeking to forgive, heal, expand, grow, live, love and be loved, and I am seeking with both individuals and groups.
And, with myself.
posted by Julia C. at
Sunday, September 21, 2003
