And the love is all around.........

For days I have been feeling tense, feeling out of control and feeling the need to regain control, even though intellectually I am aware of the fact that change is always omnipresent that that I have control over nothing outside of myself.

Try arguing with your own emotions, and of course we all feel conflicted at the end. How futile to box ourselves in and tell ourselves to feel a certain way when our soul has its own mind and knows to gravitate towards the greater wisdom. Resistence is not only futile; it's painful.

I had coffee with Geeta this afternoon, and how wonderful to experience her energy and our connection. Came home, and the pain surfaced so strongly when I was watching this show on PBS, a show on loving fathers and their efforts in helping and connecting with their autistic children. I grieved, violently and wildly. Necee came and held me in her arms while I just let it all rip. So much grief, held in, waiting to be released. In my efforts to shut down certain parts of the past, I was not able to connect with Rob in a way without killing the spirit of our union--I needed to control when I felt vulnerable, and I could not surrender into the greater love that was flowing around. I needed to punish when I felt abandoned, and I needed status quo when I was afraid of losing what I thought I had. Even though I knew that change is omnipresent, none of us could do God's work in holding anything together other than to just offer ourselves. I was afraid of separating, since violence leaves a deep imprint on my child mind and the child frequently stays frozen in time, with fragmented memories that to this day still drive certain behaviors of mine. I was afraid of merging, and more afraid I was with separating.

And now things are clicking back into shape.

How do you break the cycle of violence? How do we evolve as human beings as we are tested in our relationships, our views of ourselves, others and the world? How much does it take to trust, to have faith, and to fall into love's open arms?

What was once lost was forever lost, but we have within ourselves the ability to renew, to be born again and again into a higher awareness and honor our longings of being seen and being loved.

Today, I surrendered. I put up the white flag, and the universe, as always, held me when I took the leap. I wrestled for days with the internalized father, and today I surrender yet again and start to let love step in and gently deconstruct that old belief system that no longer serves the adult me. We all need expansion. I need to grow. I want to grow.

Kindness I need for the insecurites in me.
In darkness I learn the whole shape of my pain as it helps me remeber
The beginnings of love and love lost and found
The pain enters into soul, and the soul awakens
And shows me tremendous colors that shine from inside of my wounds
The body remembers
What it once felt like to love without conditions
And then a voice says

Soar

With that

We fly, straight into

Love's open arms
And merge into

One