Questions, ponderings and feelings

I am pondering over some serious questions fro myself as an MFT trainee. Pissing a lot of people along the way while I do so. I know, and this is my process. I have to get to the bottom of this no matter how many people, including my supervisors, I trigger. This is how I operate. I don't know any other way that fits my quest of my own truth.

This is the third time that I am going rounds with my supervisors. First time, over the issue of medication: if a client is not suicidal, is it necessary to refer my client to get on medication when he/she does suffer from a level of depression? It was presented to me in the way of "why do you want the client to suffer?" My supervisors went over the legal obligations of a therapist referring clients to medication if there is sucidality present, and were not able to address the gray area that I was pondering about: when there is not suicidality and the client is depressed, is it necessary to refer them to medication? Why and why not? They weren't able to give me an answer in the scenario that I was describing and I was hugely upset.

The next time was when I wanted to leave the supervision group because I didn't feel like there was room for me to address what I wanted to have addressed. I was simply told to stay, no matter what, since they had the say so. They believed that it was to my benefit to stay and work out whatever I needed to work out with them, since I was so upset. Other group members reflected back the need to have more silence in the group, more process, and less supervisor input, and the supervisors agreed to take more of a backseat and let group members come forth first. So far that happened very little.

Today, as I was struggling with whether it was possible to stay connected with parents if child abuse/neglected needed to be reported, and I was told, in so many words, that I had to choose, and again I was hugely upset. My supervisors mainly wanted me to examine the fact that I seemed to, in their perception, feel judged or other challenging feelings whenever I was told what to do, what I should do. I think they were right. I was feeling very challenged because I am pondering over existing rules and if it is possible to follow the rules AND stay connected with the clients, when the situations that arise are many times vague and in the gray area.

First of all, is it necessary to report child abuse in the case right now? I have a clear answer for that: not my call. I am a mandated reporter and it is my duty to report whenever there is suspicion since the rules are that children must be protected first and foremost. At the same time, I am really having a hard time with that. I know what the system does. The system is so big that a lot of times people see the rules and not the people. I hate that. I hate putting any of my clients through that. However, it is not within my integrity to circumvent the system and bend the rules as I please: when I start doing that I fall into arrogance: it doesn't fit my principles as a person to say that I am agreeing to something and secretly bending it without consulting anyone. If I truly feel that strongly about these rules, then maybe it's time I get into policy-making and try to make changes that way. As long as I am in the field, operating at the capacity that I am, I need to follow the rules, and I am very challenged with this right now. Do I stay in the field, when this structure is set up in a way that all these rules needed to be followed? But this is a question I am not answering right now. The answer is going to emerge as time goes on, and I am conflicted.

Second of all, okay, the rule is that things must be reported. What do you do when even the hotline people are telling you that the case falls between reportable and not reportable, depending on how you interpret the law? This is the stage where I am at right now. I need to gather more information from my clients and check in with the hotline folks/supervisors again, but what do I do in terms of what to tell/ask the clients? We didn't even get that far in supervision today. I was told that I must choose between staying connected with the clients and protecting the child.......I got upset, and now I know why I am upset. If I absolutely have to choose and that someone's safety depends on my decision, I would choose to protect the child, no question in my mind. I'd do anything to protect the child if that's the only way to protect the child. BUT! Is that the first place that I need to go to? Are we at the point that I have to choose, or is there a chance that I can tend to all parties and make it a win-win situation? Everyone needs healing in this situation, what is my role as a therapist to help everyone to the best of my abilities? But I wasn't able to articulate that in supervision: I was overwhelmed with their intense line of questioning. Next time I really need to let them know that I need more time.

Overall, I think my supervisors are incredibly anxious about being responsible for us and their job is to make sure that we do things by the books, that combined with my anxiety around dealing with these issues and questioning existing rules, it makes sense to me that they are going for control versus providing room for me to process these things. However, I give myself room to process these things if no one else does. This is how I stay inside my integrity as a healer. My job is not just to follow the rules. It goes beyond that. I get to hold myself if they can't hold me.

I am terrified. I am terrified that I am going to make the wrong choice and send my clients into the system for nothing but a harmful go-around where they fall victim to the machine. But then again, I can see that that's not the only way for this to turn out. I need to inform them of what they are up against because we do live inside these systems, and ignorance is going to get them in trouble. If I happen to need to report, with more information given, I need to do it because something is happening then that needs to be addressed. At the same time, my obligation to protect goes beyond just the chlid. I want to protect all of them if possible, and this is one of the areas that I want to truly be heard: they are all children, on some level, and I see that. I cannot ignore that. We can only do as good as we have been taught. They are all children in this case, espeically with what I know of their family history, and I want to tend to all three children while I do what I need to do required by law. If the supervision cannot make room for me to do so, then yes, houston, we have a problem. You can make it as much about me as possible: it is about me. I am in the system because I have chosen to stay in the system, at least for now. However, I am challenging and questioning the rules and I want to explore the possibility of going beyond them: not around them, but beyond.

It is a huge disgrace when we measure people by rules and lose sight of their humanity. There is no grace then. We are all shamed.