What shall I say?

I have been having a lot of dreams, active dreams with dialogue with many, some already gone from my current life.

I find it natural. Things I cannot say, think about or feel are shown to me in dreams. I don't know yet consciously what the unknown holds, and all we can do at any given moment is just the best we know how. I have been trying to remember that.

A part of me feels so deeply troubled while most of me feels exceptionally numb. Not that surprising, really, since I believe that our beings know when to shut down in order to survive emotionally. I am deeply critical towards this aspect of human nature, even though I beleive it is natural and good for certain defense mechanisms to kick in.

Now I am just rambling.

I can detect myself becoming more critical, that much I know. Judgmental, critical, cranky, opinionated. In short, much less tolerant and much more reactive. Year 2003 had been such a hard year. I didn't even write the year end newsletter that I usually do. I found it hard to be motivated enough to translate my experiences into expressions. I found it hard to want to communicate, because somehow a lot of things hurt too bad.

I did not want to think or integrate, so I ended up thinking about them anyways, by myself, and beating myself up irrationally.

And hating the world and myself, just a little.

In my dream last night, I dreamt of D and another man from my life before (I didn't remember who that person was but knew that it was an actual person rather than an imagenary one.) They were conversing about their experiences of me, and I finally jumped into the conversation towards the end and said something to the effect of "it's not strange that you didn't love me, because even I didn't love those parts of myself when I was with both of you. I met you to meet those parts of myself." And in my dream, I clearly felt such drastic and deep sense of shame and pain as I thought of those parts of myself that remained victimized, hurt, cold, paranoid and angry.

Those things I cannot say, think, face or feel in my life, my dreams show me what they are.

Dealing with dad triggers a lot of emotions, so does dealing with other family members. I find myself hard to love, and so I resent those who bring up such feelings. It's got to be someone's fault; the child in me says. "It's got to be someone's fault, and it's mostly likely mine, and I am going to attack those who make me feel this way because I cannot believe or accept that it's mine."

I feel exceptionally numb the past couple of weeks.

Yet, as I spent more time with my grandmother and some other relatives, as I read emails from friends that are from another part of my life, as I interacted with old friends here, I can also start to feel this desire to break free, free from this self-hatred that I subject myself to.

This is a very humbling moment, when I am willing to be humbled. So much will, so much defeat, and then I end up returning to this point of being humbled. We can only do so much. I can only do so much.

This is between God and me, whatever that I need to work out. There is not human force big enough to give all the answers, and I feel frigthened. I long for loving arms to dissolve my sorrows and wash away whatever that I consider my sins. My shame, my angst, my bitterness, my lack of hope.

This is between the unknown and me, really. I don't know that much, but I know this much is true.

I am afriad to trust that I am actually worth something, that I actually have a right to exist and blossom out of myself.

But I know that I do, and that's worth something. All of my early and middle 20-something days, I have come to know this much.

The rest is between the spirits and me. How frightened I am as I struggle to let go of previous expectations and tendencies. There is no human force big enough to live my life for me. There is no human force big enough to tell me what justice is. There is no human force big enough to show me the complete face of love.

Yet, I want to beleive that there is something that is amazingly strong. This is about faith, then. Perhaps just as India Aire sings, "it's time to step out on my faith; I got to show my faith."

I don't know that much, but I know this much is true.

I don't know what I have faith in, and so life gently pushes me and says, "go find out."

I don't know that much, but I know this much is true.